My mom posted a poem yesterday Butterflies in My Stomach. She emphasized how difficult it is to write when in “limbo,” waiting for news to come about, but not ready to let it out into the blogosphere. I totally identify, especially — like mother, like son — as a writer.
But I can write to three things.
First, I am sticking to my blogging rule I have held steadfast for several years: I will not write on unresolved conflict. Those butterflies sometimes tempt me to bust out, but I resist. I suppose this appears like covering up or denying that conflict exists, as if I ever claimed to live a Pollyannaish life. I size up conflict as everyone should (and I wish they would): there are two sides, and I do not want to disparage or misrepresent my opposition. I can’t guarantee I’ll never break this rule of mine, but for now, it has served me — and conflicts I find myself in — well.
Second, I am convinced that, despite the butterflies, I need to keep writing. I suspect my mom does this, too, and like her, I’m not publishing much lately. I long for the day when everything I journal results with a confident “publish” end. Transparency is a sweet platform from which to write, but right now I, too, am in “limbo.” Hesitation to share is my daily dragon. Sometimes I’m able to carve a chunk out suitable for a blog post, but more often than not, they get saved in a Google Doc. For now, that’s okay.
Third, I am convinced that a great change is near, a metamorphosis. There is much to be anxious about, but those butterflies are there for good reason. There are mountains moving in my life: career, family, personal convictions, etc. There is so much to be excited about, but the cocoon is still metamorphosizing. It would be premature — even harmful — to attempt to pry open the shell and accelerate the patient growth needed at this time.
Sorry for the vagueness. And the use of a metaphor to death. (Or to life, ha!) I nearly didn’t press the “publish” button because of it. But I overcame the hesitation this morning, and if it blesses you, then I am most blessed, too.